You're right, Im wrong

The survival response I carried from childhood into motherhood

I knew I shouldn't have worn that shirt.

That was the first thought that came into my head after my in-laws made comments about my breasts, and about the bottles not looking clean.

I was deeply hurt. I was offended.

But I didn't say a word.

I didn't stand up for myself. I didn't tell them their comments hurt me.

My shoulders just dropped. I felt like I was being stepped on, like a tiny ant, and instead of moving my foot, I just let it happen.

Later that night, I found myself replaying it. Why didn't I stand up for myself? Why didn't I say something? Why was it so much easier for me to shrink than to speak?

This was deeper than ‘one’ uncomfortable interaction.

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Growing up, my dad was mentally abusive. I learned very young that the safest thing to do was say whatever I needed to say to get out of the conversation. I would apologize even when I wasn't sorry. I would take the blame even when it wasn't mine to take. I would do anything to avoid confrontation.

This was survival.

But the things we learn to do to survive don't disappear once we're safe. They follow us. They followed me all the way into adulthood.

My therapist once asked me, "Logan, why are you so scared to rock the boat?"

I remember sitting with that question. And then it hit me. Because growing up, rocking the boat meant getting screamed at by my dad until the vein in his forehead would pop out. Rocking the boat meant conflict, meant anger, meant fear. So I learned to keep the boat still. I learned to make myself smaller. I learned to apologize. I learned to keep the peace at any cost.

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I have labeled myself as a people pleaser, but as I’ve gone to therapy, the more I've learned it was something else. It's called fawning, and it's a survival response, the same category as fight, flight, and freeze. When a child can't fight back and can't run away, sometimes the safest option left is to make the danger like you.

I've worked so hard to overcome this. When I've had distance from certain family dynamics, I've been better. I've been able to breathe. I've been able to hear my own thoughts. I've been able to remember that I'm allowed to have boundaries.

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Now that I'm a mother, I think about this differently.

I don't want my kids to grow up believing that keeping everyone else comfortable matters more than being honest about how they feel. I don't want them to apologize just because someone is angry. I don't want them to think they have to make themselves smaller to keep the peace.

Because being a ‘people pleaser’ has cost me an extreme amount of anxiety. I've spent so much of my life worrying about what other people think of me. Wondering if I've upset someone. Replaying conversations in my head, asking myself if I should have said something differently.

I know that I can become the strongest version of myself for my children.

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Here are some beautiful quotes I found on Pinterest:

xoxo Logan